


The Juggler

by theorangewitch



Series: Angstober [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-24 12:05:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16174721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theorangewitch/pseuds/theorangewitch
Summary: Beauregard Lionett was loath to admit that she missed anyone.





	The Juggler

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Day 1 of the 31 Day Angst (Angstober) Challenge, which I'll link to at the end of the note. I'm mostly writing stuff for my OCs, but I'll post the fanworks I write here. Follow me on tumblr @proficiencybonus! 
> 
> http://birdiiielle.tumblr.com/post/178490486915/do-you-like-angst-do-you-like-monthly

Beauregard Lionett was loath to admit that she missed anyone. She didn’t miss her parents, that was certain. They didn’t miss her, no doubt about it, so why not return the favor? She didn’t miss Dairon, even though the woman was the mentor and caregiver she’d always wished for, even though she asked after her every time she got the chance to drop by The Cobalt Soul. She didn’t even miss Yasha when she was gone. Not really. Really? Not really. So if she didn’t miss her parents or Dairon or Yasha or Keg or anybody else whom she...not loved. She didn’t love them. Not really. Really? Not really. Then she certainly didn’t miss Molly. Nevermind that he was dead and none of those other people were, it didn’t matter. 

Gone was gone, be it temporary or permanent. 

Beau liked to live in the now. 

And ‘the now’ was a life without Molly in it. 

Really, why should she miss him? They’d only spent a couple of months together, and she’d lived her whole life without him previously. But one day in Zadash she saw a dragonborn man juggling torches in the Pentamarket, and she tossed two gold his way. 

He smiled and bowed. “Thank you, Miss. If you like what you see, you should come to our show. It’s tomorrow evening, just outside the city. Look for The Circus of Embers.”

Beau grunted and kept walking, immediately regretting the interaction. But the very next evening she, Jester, and Caduceus found themselves inside a big top tent not so different from the one they’d started their adventures in. The dragonborn (though he was not a dragonborn at all—he had a tail, and Beau realized that he was a half dragon) was there, juggling with everything he had. He caught her eye in the audience and winked, the torchlight glinting off of his copper colored scales. 

Jeremy, the ringmaster called him.  _ What an odd name,  _ she thought.  _ Almost as odd as Mollymauk.  _

She didn’t speak to Jeremy, and subconsciously made a point to avoid him after the show, which fortunately passed without any devil toad-related incidents. 

“You’re acting weird,” Caduceus remarked as they walked out of the tent. 

“You’re acting weird,” Beau retorted. 

“I’m always weird.”

“So am I.”

“Not in the way Caduceus is weird,” Jester pointed out. “Is it because of Molly? That is the reason the others didn’t want to come.”

“It’s not because of Molly,” Beau snapped. 

“You’re crying,” Caduceus said, more gently than was usual for his blunt observations. 

Beau realized she was. She hadn’t cried when he died, or when they buried him in a shallow grave by the side of a dangerous road, or when they decided without discussion that they would leave Shady Creek Run without an attempt at resurrection. He’d want us to move on, she’d thought.  _ Well, moving on is hard, you bastard _ . She wiped furiously at her eyes, the tears stinging her eyes and coming away hot on her fingers. 

Jester’s shoulders drooped. “It is weird to see you cry, Beau.”

“I know,” she replied, with less venom than she expected. 

“Do you want to go home?” Jester asked. “Back to The Leaky Tap,” she corrected, because it was odd to think of a tavern as home. But it was. As long as the Mighty Nein were there, it was.

Beau looked back at the tent, still glowing with torchlight and rumbling with laughter and talk, and shook her head. She sat down on a rotting stump. “You guys can go back without me. I’m just gonna sit here for a while.”

“Are you sure?” Jester asked. 

“She’s sure,” Caduceus said before Beau could answer. And with that they were gone. 

Beau watched the crescent shaped moon rise higher into the sky. It looked a bit like a toenail, she thought. Her brother had pointed that out to her. Him. Him she was willing to admit she missed, but only on nights that were especially dark, and she was especially alone. There had been fewer of those since she’d joined the Mighty Nein. 

“I knew you’d come,” a voice interrupted her thoughts. 

Beau looked up to see Jeremy. The lights inside the tent had gone out, and it became just another violet hill against the black velvet sky. “Hm?” she said. 

“You seemed so grumpy, I wasn’t sure at first, but then again.” Jeremy shrugged, then looked at her quizzically. “I remind you of someone, don’t I?”

The observation was so astute that Beau was taken aback. “How did you know?”

He shrugged again. “Something in your eyes. Two gold is a lot to give a hawker. Can I sit?” he asked. 

She shrugged her indifference, and he did. 

“Do you know the constellations?” he asked. 

“Not really.” She’d certainly been taught them at the Cobalt Soul, but of course it didn’t stick.

“Well, I just know the one.” He pointed to an almost circular grouping of stars. “The Juggler. Well, that’s its translation in Common. In Draconic it’s ‘ _ Dairtha _ ’, which translates more like ‘The Performer’. But in Ancient Draconic it means ‘Bringer of Happiness’, or even ‘Lightkeeper’ in some translations. Someone who unselfishly brings joy to an otherwise lifeless world. I just always thought it was nice. Something to strive for, I guess. As an entertainer and as a person.” 

And then Beau was crying again, but this time she let it come.


End file.
